


Four Years Old

by IRegretNothingAndEverything



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, Implies, Joshua doesn't really know what trans people are yet, Joshua with Gordon's disappearnce, Trans Gordon Freeman, and it's from his pov so, but four years old this time, he has two special interests rn: cowboys and how words work, he's not happy about a lot, joshua is an autistic four year old so, meltdowns, tantrums, upset
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:33:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26626009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IRegretNothingAndEverything/pseuds/IRegretNothingAndEverything
Summary: Joshua is four years old. He knows a lot of things. The main thing he knows right now? He misses his Daddy.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 96





	Four Years Old

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I dunno where this came from, but it sure is a thing now!

Joshua Freeman is four years old. He’s been four years old for three months now, and he’s very proud of this fact. He’s also proud of how many things he knows. 

He knows how to spell his name. He knows how to spell his daddy’s name, the real one, not just ‘Daddy’. He knows how to spell Miss Abigail from across the hall’s name. He knows all of his numbers, and all of his letters. 

He doesn’t know all the words. He’s working on that. 

He does know where a lot of words come from. Joshua was really curious about that a lot, how words worked, and Daddy had set a certain amount of time each day to sit down with his computer, and Joshua lists all the words he’s curious about, and Daddy types them one by one into the computer, and he tells Joshua what kind of word it is, and where it’s from. 

Joshua tries really hard to remember this all. It seems important to him, and Daddy never tells him not to, because it made Joshua upset the one time Daddy said he didn’t need to memorize all the words. Joshua thought he needed to, so Daddy didn’t tell him he didn’t anymore. 

A lot of times those times with Daddy meant that Joshua had questions about what other words meant, but he told them to Daddy, and Daddy wrote them down in a big list to keep track of all the words Joshua wanted to know about, and they worked their way down through the days, and Joshua sometimes put a word back on if he wanted to be reminded what it was like. 

Daddy never told him not to. It made Joshua happy to know about words. 

He told Miss Abigail across the street about these words. She was a nice lady, with a lot of wrinkles, and when Daddy had to go to work, she brought Joshua over to her apartment, which smelled like cats and stale candy, where Joshua would sit down and tell her all about the words he learned, and she would be surprised, and ask him questions, and if didn’t know the answer, he made her write it down, and she would give it to Daddy to either answer or to add to the list. 

Today was one of those days. Daddy was really happy today, and Joshua was really happy because of it. He got slid his chocolate milk, and he beamed up at his Daddy from under the brim of his cowboy hat, and Daddy danced around the kitchen and made him pancakes with silly faces made out of strawberries on them, and Joshua giggled. 

“Daddy’s gonna be a bit late coming home today, Joshie.” Joshua frowned at him at this. “Just a bit. Only another hour at Miss Abigail’s, at most.” Oh. Well, that was okay then. He had stayed up to an hour after Daddy’s coming home time before. He nodded into his chocolate milk, and Daddy smiled at him, lifting his hat to ruffle his hair with a heavy hand. Joshua liked it better when it was heavy like that, and he tugged his hat back down on his head, giggling. 

“Why?” He asked, and Daddy understood what he meant, as he always did. 

“Well, Daddy has a big project today! He’s gonna have to stay late so that he can make sure he does it right, and doesn’t mess anything up.” Joshua nods. He didn’t like messing up his projects either. If Daddy had to stay a bit longer to make sure he didn’t that was okay. 

“You can... stay two hours!” Joshua said, and Daddy laughed, a loud booming sound that made Joshua feeling his bones were vibrating. 

“Well, I’ll try not to stay that long, but thank you.” It was very generous. 

He knew that word. Daddy used it a lot. It wasn’t that big of a word. He had heard Daddy say bigger words, but it was a big word to him. 

Daddy walked him over to Miss Abigail's, and she smiled at him, taking Joshua’s hand. She held a bit too lightly, but Joshua let her, cause she knew her hands weren’t big and heavy like Daddy’s were. “Good luck on the big test today, Gordon.” 

“Thanks Miss Abby. I have gracious been given permission by that little one for an extra two hours, but I’ll try not stay out that long.” Miss Abigail nods, and leads Joshua inside, and Joshua waves as the door closes, calling out that he loves Daddy. 

Before the door clicks shut, he hears Daddy say it back, and grins widely, until his cheeks hurt and he has to stop. 

He has a peanut butter and honey sandwich at the counter for lunch, and Miss Abigail makes him mac and cheese with cut up hot dogs in it. 

Joshua knew that when the numbers on Miss Abigail's stove had a seven first, that meant Daddy would be coming home soon. He still remembered that he had told Daddy he had an extra two hours, which meant that he had until the numbers had a nine first. Joshua was gonna be really sleepy when Daddy came home, but that was okay, cause he would get to see his Daddy again. 

He fell asleep on Miss Abigail’s couch when the numbers had a 1 first, followed by three zeros.   
When he woke up, he was still on Miss Abigail’s couch, and it made him upset. He wanted to go home. He liked Miss Abigail, but her house smelled funny, and Joshua wanted to go back to his house, where it smelled like cinnamon and strawberries, cause Joshua liked both of those smells, and so did Daddy. 

Miss Abigail gave him pancakes for breakfast, and, when Joshua asked her where his daddy was, she dodged him. That was another thing. Daddy never dodged his questions. He pouted at her, and refused to play with anything she tried, just kept his hat on his head and sniffled. 

He wanted his daddy. 

During lunch, which was a peanut butter and honey sandwich, Miss Abigail called someone on her phone, and stepped out of the room. Joshua knew it was dangerous to get down from his chair without help, but did it anyways and crept to the door, peeking out. 

She was saying a lot of words very fast. Daddy talked fast too, and so did Joshua, so that was okay. 

“Look, I don’t know. He hasn’t come home, and there’s news that something happened at Black Mesa they’re keeping super hushed up. All I know is that Joshua’s dad is missing, and I’ve got a four year old with a very strict schedule that I might not be able to keep.” 

Missing. He knew that word. Daddy told him that word after his favorite hat went missing. He couldn’t find it, and Daddy sat him down and told him all about the word, so that Joshua could understand what happened. Now his Daddy was missing. 

They had found his hat. He didn’t know if they could find Daddy. He was the one who was good at finding things. What if he was missing forever? 

“Oh, Joshua, what are you doing up? You full?” Joshua looked up at Miss Abigail, and sniffled. 

“What if Daddy’s missing forever?” He asked, forcing the words past a lump in his throat, and Miss Abigail sighed lowly, crouching down to his height, opening her arms for him to sink into, hugging him tightly, as tightly as she could manage. It wasn’t as tight as Daddy’s hugs, but that was okay. 

“He might be, Joshua.” That’s what he liked about Miss Abigail. When he asked her about things directly, she would tell him directly. “Something happened with your daddy’s big test, and he might be missing still, but we don’t actually know. Until then, I’m keeping you here.” 

Joshua frowned at that, and Miss Abigail smiled. 

“We can go over to your house if you’d want.” 

He nodded. He liked his house better, but he did still want his daddy, and he had one more question. 

“What happens... if they don’t find him?” He asked softly, and Miss Abigail sighed. 

“Then you might stay with me for a lot longer.” And she stood to get all his things together. 

Joshua knew he didn’t have another daddy. He also knew it would be another Daddy. He knew that cause one time, when he was a bit smaller than he was now, someone had called Daddy a very mean word, and, when Joshua asked what it was, Daddy had told him that it was a very very bad word, and not even one that Joshua was allowed to say. He told Joshua that he did something that usually mommy’s did, and that a lot of people thought he should be a mommy instead of a daddy, but Joshua didn’t like that word. Daddy was daddy, and mommy just didn’t sound right. 

Joshua told him that. For some reason, it made Daddy cry and hug him real tight, but that was okay. He liked tight hugs. 

So Joshua didn’t know his other Daddy. If Daddy was gone, who would he stay with? He couldn’t imagine staying with Miss Abigail for long. 

It proved more difficult as the week continued. Joshua began to hate Miss Abigail, and he meant that a lot. He didn’t want to see her anymore, he wanted his Daddy, but he was still missing. He spent a lot of time upset, crying, and could cling onto his hat, and slept in Daddy’s bed rather than his own. He told Miss Abigail he hated her a lot, cause he thought it was true, but she didn’t believe him, and, when he calmed down a bit, he would apologize. 

He began to sit at the door and wait for Daddy to come home. He would eat at the door, stare at it, and, when he fell asleep, Miss Abigail would move him to daddy’s bed, where he would wake up. Daddy’s room was right next to the front door, and Miss Abigail left the door open for him to see it. He liked her better when she did that. 

Joshua didn’t know time all that well. He didn’t like numbers as much as letters and words, so he didn’t think about time all that much. He did know a lot of days had passed, when the door cracked open, and it wasn’t Miss Abigail. 

The man that came in was tall like his daddy, had a bunch of brown curly hair like his daddy, was big like his daddy, and had bright and kind green eyes. There was a lot more wrinkles on his face, and a lot more of the pretty silver in his hair, his eyes were all tired, with dark marks around them, and one of his arms was orange now, but Joshua knew in a moment that that was his Daddy. 

And when Joshua flung himself into his Daddy’s arms, Daddy squeezed him tight, and something realigned in him, and Joshua felt okay again, squeezing Daddy back just as tightly.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I did not plan on writing this much, but it's here now and I'm proud of it! 
> 
> Tumblr is e-bubby!


End file.
